Friends say strange things during fertility struggles. Some are sweet. Some are well-meaning but tone-deaf. Some are so off-base they make you wonder if you should ever tell anyone again. Almost none of it is malicious — but the cumulative weight is real.
Here are the things friends say during fertility struggles in India and how to respond — without burning every friendship in the process.
The greatest hits, ranked by frequency
1. "Just relax and it'll happen"
The single most-said unhelpful thing. Translation: friend is uncomfortable with the topic and reaching for the nearest cliche.
Response: "Unfortunately it's a medical situation, not a stress one — but thanks for caring."
2. "Have you tried [yoga / Ayurveda / temple / fast]?"
Friends offering unsolicited alternative-medicine advice. Usually well-meaning, occasionally aggressive.
Response: "The doctor has us on a specific plan, but appreciate you thinking of us." Don't debate the merits of yoga vs IVF — you won't convince them, and you don't need to.
3. "My friend tried for years and then it happened naturally"
Survivor-bias story. Comforting to the teller, not to you.
Response: "That's a lovely story for them. Our path looks a bit different." Smile, change subject.
4. "At least you can travel and have fun in the meantime"
Translation: I'm about to compare your situation to my own children-driven exhaustion.
Response: "Yeah, silver linings." Leave it there. Don't correct the comparison; the cost is too high relative to the benefit.
5. "Don't leave it too late"
Usually said by someone who has no idea you're already actively trying.
Response: "We're on it, thanks." If you want to close the topic harder: "Actually we've been working on it for a while — please trust we're aware of timing."
6. "Why don't you adopt?"
Adoption is a real choice that some couples make. Used casually mid-conversation, it implies your current approach is wrong.
Response: "That's something we're thinking about in our own time." Doesn't need a longer answer.
7. "Are you sure you want kids though?"
Said by friends who think they're being supportive of a child-free option. Tone-deaf if you're actively in treatment.
Response: "Yes. That's why we're going through this."
8. The pregnancy announcement, in a group chat, no warning
Not something said exactly — but worth flagging here.
Response: Heart emoji. Step away from phone for 20 minutes. Process privately. See our piece on handling pregnancy announcements during a fertility journey.
9. "Any news?" — for the fifth time
Friends who know about your treatment and don't understand that "news" doesn't arrive weekly.
Response: "Nothing new — will share when there's something to share." If repeated: "I'll come to you when there's news, but please don't ask in the meantime — it's actually stressful."
10. Silence — friend who knew, then stopped asking entirely
Often misread as not caring. Sometimes it's a friend who doesn't know what to ask anymore. Worth a soft check-in: "hey, want to grab coffee — not about IVF, just want to catch up."
What good friends do (in case you need to coach yours)
- Check in occasionally without asking for updates
- Listen without trying to fix
- Remember the difficult dates (retrieval day, beta day) and message lightly
- Share their own pregnancy news softly and privately, ahead of group settings
- Don't bring up adoption / alternative medicine / your timeline unsolicited
- Treat the topic as serious without making it heavy every conversation
Friends to lean on more
Three friend types worth protecting during a fertility journey:
- The fellow patient — someone who's been through IVF or is going through it. They get it without explanation.
- The non-fertility friend — someone who has nothing to do with treatment and treats you normally. Restorative.
- The quiet listener — friend who lets you talk without trying to fix. Rare and valuable.
Friends to take a break from
- The constant advice-giver
- The comparison-storyteller
- The "any news?" serial asker
- The friend who can't stop talking about their own kids
- Anyone whose presence routinely leaves you exhausted
Taking a break during active treatment isn't ending a friendship. You can re-engage when you have more bandwidth.
If you want to widen your support
Fertility counsellors and structured support groups exist precisely because friends — however well-meaning — often can't hold what you need them to. See our piece on when and where to see a fertility counsellor in India.
The bottom line
Friends will say strange things during your fertility journey. Almost none of it is malicious. Pick which responses to correct, which to deflect, and which to walk away from. Protect the friendships that matter; let go of the ones that drain.
Frequently asked questions
Why do well-meaning friends say such unhelpful things?
Two reasons mostly: (1) they don't know what to say, so they reach for the nearest cliche; (2) they're uncomfortable with someone else's pain and try to make it 'better' by minimising it. Almost none of it is malicious — most is genuine awkwardness from people who haven't been through fertility struggles themselves.
Should I correct friends who say unhelpful things?
Depends on the friend and the relationship. Close friend who'll be in your life for years — worth a gentle correction. Distant acquaintance — usually not worth the energy. Pick your battles. The goal is preserving the relationships that matter, not educating everyone.
What should I tell friends to do instead?
If they ask: listen without trying to fix, check in occasionally without pressuring for updates, share their own pregnancy news softly, ask 'how are you doing today' rather than 'any news yet'. Most friends genuinely want to help and need just a little direction.
Is it okay to stop talking to friends who consistently say hurtful things?
Yes, especially during active treatment. You don't have to permanently end friendships — sometimes a break for the duration of cycles is enough. You can re-engage when you have more bandwidth. Protecting your reserves during treatment is legitimate.
What about friends who don't know I'm going through this?
Common — most patients don't tell every friend. Friends who don't know won't soften their comments. If a particular friend matters and they keep accidentally hurting you, consider telling them. If they don't matter that much, mute the topic in their company.
How do I respond to 'just relax and it'll happen'?
Privately scream. Publicly: a calm 'unfortunately it's a medical situation, not a stress one — but thanks for caring.' You don't owe a longer explanation. The goal is closing the conversation, not opening a debate about whether fertility is psychosomatic.